Breaking down and rebuilding
I have broken down. Again and again and again.
I got up again every time. After every set back I told myself it was to be the last time I broke. But then I broke again. Slowly I stopped telling myself what was beginning to feel like a lie. I didn’t believe myself anymore, I knew I would break again. I also knew I would get up again.
What I started to see, however, was that every time I fell, getting back up got easier.
Did you ever notice small kids when they fall over while in the middle of having fun? They don’t pay attention to the fall. They fall over mid laugh and get up again and go back to laughing. How beautiful is that? I think that is my goal, at least for now. I want to fall and get up again without missing a beat.
Though ultimately I want the failures to decrease in size until they no longer happen. I may hesitate, maybe even stumble, but that’s ok. That is human. But I want to stop falling.
I realise I have a lot of crap to work through before I’m ready to stay on my feet, but I’m working on it, and I’m starting to see the bigger picture.
Let me tell you what the bigger picture looks like to me: I have the picture of the house, but the blueprint got lost. I’m finding the building blocks strewn around. Sometimes they are hidden behind distractions and falls, but I find them. Often I find them in the hole I find myself in after a fall. I pick up the block, carry it with me out of the hole and add it to my bigger picture. Sometimes a building block falls out of the wall and I have to go looking for it again. That’s ok. It just means I need to have a second look at it before re-inserting it to the bigger picture.
The building blocks are getting easier to find lately. They are more clearly defined and the bigger picture is taking shape.
I’m knitting a jacket these days. I have a general idea of how I would like it to be, but I have no pattern. I realised the other day how allegorical this project is to me. I’m knitting my way until I get to the point where I don’t know how to proceed. Then I take a break from the project while I search for the next clue to how to go on, and then I keep going, until I hit the next snag. It’s slow going, but I know I will find a solution to all the obstacles and I know it will turn out just perfect. I also know it will not turn out exactly how I envisioned it, because at some point these things take on a life of their own, but I know it will turn out just perfect for what it is. I have completely surrendered to this fact and feel at peace with it. In truth, I’m excited to see the finished project because if it!
I choose to rebuild myself according to these principles. I have a general idea of where I want to go, what I want to do, of the bigger picture; but I also know it never turns out exactly how I envisioned it, because The Universe knows how to co-create to make it even better. In fact, it will be just perfect and I am excited to see the result! Excited and patient, because everything takes the time it must take. Some things need less time, but some changes are so monumental that they simply cannot happen over night. There is always this instant when all the pieces seem to fall into place, but the buildup to that moment may take some time and effort.
I fell again today, but the hole was smaller than before.
I got up again. It was easier today than the last time.