Feeling the feels and telling it as it is

This is me. Purely and completely. Raw and unedited. Beautiful and perfect, because inperfection is also perfect. My thoughts are my own, I do not wish to convert you to anything. If you think what I have to say is rubbish, you are free to leave the site. If it moves you in any way, feel free to stay.

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This is me. Purely and completely. Raw and unedited. Beautiful and perfect, because inperfection is also perfect. My thoughts are my own, I do not wish to convert you to anything. If you think what I have to say is rubbish, you are free to leave the site. If it moves you in any way, feel free to stay.

Floating

It has been silent from this side for a little while. Not because I have nothing to write about, but because I don’t know how to write about certain things without implicating other people. There are some situations that are not my place to share. Even if I would do all I could to anonymise the people involved, they would be recognised through their affiliation to me. Therefore I choose not to share certain things.

What I can talk about, however, is my healing process. Healing is not a straight line, and even though this shift happened, which I lined out for you in my previous post, I’m not done yet. A shift is not a magic pill, at least not in my instance. The shift makes it easier for me to analyse a situation and to take things more in my stride, but I am still seemingly powerless regarding some areas of my life. Still, it doesn’t mean that I will not find my power there as well, it just hasn’t happened yet.

I feel like I’m in a phase of acceptance, yet in a different way than before. I have been aiming to accept myself from the very onset of this journey of self reflection and healing, but I feel like I understand more of the actual concept of self acceptance now. I have broken myself into so many little pieces that I can somehow sift through the dust with greater ease. After the post I wrote about shame, I received a lot of feedback, but one comment stood out to me: “you are in need of so much love!” It wasn’t meant as an accusation, but rather as an observation and a wish for me to find that for myself. At first I felt uncomfortable by the bluntness of this statement. I felt like I was not supposed to feel this way. We are supposed to be strong, independent women for chrissakes! But I accept that this comment rings true, that it is what I want, and need and crave. It shouldn’t keep me from being A Strong, Independent Woman, but rather support me on my journey. And it’s not just wanting to be loved, but wanting to love. I saw an interview with Annie Lennox the other day, and she was refreshingly candid about her inner sadness and the fact that she was in a much, much happier place now, because of her stable home situation, i.e. her happy family life. When she said that, I could just see the ghosts of her old sadness roll off her, along with her enormous gratitude for the gift of happiness, and in that moment I felt such a kinship to her. I know exactly how she felt. It gave me hope that I may also one day be sitting down in gratitude for having survived this journey.

I have called this post “floating” because that is how I feel at the moment. In the Italian music of the sixteenth and seventeenth century a very popular analogy for emotional upheaval was the little boat on stormy waters. I don’t feel quite so dramatically, but I certainly can relate. However, I feel more like I’m floating on (relatively) calm waters. I dip below the surface some times, but because of The Shift, I am now much more aware and can manage to snap out of it quicker than before. The waves and shifts may sometimes be of a higher frequency, and not to my liking, but that is also part of acceptance. I realise that not every day will be the same, and that’s ok. I will make it through. I will learn something new each day.

Floating is also trusting. I trust in the Universe, or God or whatever you would like to call it.

By the way, if this is just a lot of hooey to you, then this might be a good time for you to stop reading, because I will now tell you about my belief in the higher powers that govern our realm.

I have absolutely no doubt that there is an energy outside of our understanding that looks out for us. I have experienced its presence too many times to dismiss it as simply new age weirdness. I have sadly not been very good at trusting said energy. Hell, I have not been good at trusting ANYBODY, including myself. I see that now. I have lived my life with an innate distrust which has blocked me from achieving many of the things I have been on my way to attaining. I am learning, I am getting better at trusting. I see that I can receive all I wish for, BUT I must get out of the way. I must stop micro managing and stop pushing. I must trust in my fellow human beings and I must trust the Universe. My time frame is not anybody else’s time frame. Time is only a concept anyway, so let’s just drop it altogether.

I cling. When something or someone mean a lot to me, I tend to cling until either I realise that they will like me in spite of, or even because of, all the million things I don’t like about myself, or until I push them away. That is something I’m working on letting go of. Trust is floating. Floating is trust. I try to control situations that just cannot be controlled. I freak out when I find myself in a space of uncertainty. You think this is annoying to you? Let me make it very clear: It’s even more annoying to me, and I have to live with myself, I have no choice.

I listened to a talk by Alan Watts (yes, he is my guru) in which he said something similar to this: If you try to hold your breath because of fear of losing it, you are guaranteed to lose it. That was the best image I have ever been given for why clinging is detrimental to everything.

I know with certainty that there are no coincidences. There are no bad timings, everything is timed perfectly, and the Universe keeps communicating with me, leaving me hints and signs. I must only be open and willing to see them. Sometimes I see them, sometimes I misunderstand, and sometimes I realise too late what it was trying to tell me. Sometimes they show up very clearly. It’s like the Universe is getting up in my face, yelling. “Please, please, don’t f***k this up!!!”

I am reading my way through the Tao and oftentimes I find the Universe talking to me directly through the words on the page. Yesterday I read the following:

Express yourself completely, then keep quiet. Be like the forces of nature: when it blows, there is only wind; when it rains, there is only rain; when the clouds pass, the sun shines through.

If you open yourself to the Tao, you are one with the Tao and you can embody it completely. If you open yourself to insight, you are at one with insight and you can use it completely. If you open yourself to loss, you are at one with loss and you can accept it completely.

Open yourself to the Tao, then trust your natural responses; and everything will fall into place.

-Lao-Tsu (chapter 23 of the Tao Te Ching)

I cannot go all the way into explaining why this hit at the perfect (and I mean, scarily perfect) time without implicating innocent parties into my story, but it also says a whole lot about trust. Loss is one of my fundamental fears. I cling because I fear loss, and in doing so, I create more loss for myself. In accepting loss, I let go of the fear of it and as such, I reduce its frequency in my life. I second guess myself and distrust my natural instincts. By trusting myself and my intuition I can let go of fear and allow life to unfold and The Universe to work it’s magic.

I express myself completely and after doing so, I keep quiet, trusting that the recipient of my expressions will react when they are ready. I keep quiet, instead of pushing for an answer. The answer will arise when it is ready to be given. I express a wish to the Universe, and then I keep quiet, trusting that I will receive when the time is right, in the right manner. It happens again and again.

You only float when you trust the fact that you can float. You float when you trust that you are being held by a force you cannot control. The moment you doubt the floating, you begin to flail and that is when you drown.

I float.